I am a great wr… Wait, can I try that again?
Posted on Friday, April 22nd, 2011I have a confession for all of my readers out there. I am afraid of quite a few things… and I think one of them might be writing. Or more precisely, I’m not afraid of writing; I’m afraid of being a writer. The idea that I can do this has been a dream of mine, and one that I’ve been trying to attain.
I write, almost every day and I study the craft of writing. I have written one full novel, wrote a second one, which I didn’t finish (I realized it was broken) and now I’m about 65% done the first draft of my third novel. I have to admit, each work has been heads and tails above what came before it. I am improving quite a bit each year. I’m hoping that I’ll have the book I’m currently working on finished in time to take to this year’s SiWC with me. I have defeated my inner editor and gotten him to work with me (I write, he edits as we go, which means I do delete a lot of words, but he only gets a few moments to make corrections. Once I’m past that line, I’m not going back until the editing phase begins). I am well on my way to being able to say that I am a professional author, someone who writes for a living.
Yet somewhere in the back of my mind, hiding further than my inner editor and past even that part of me that loves a good supernatural romance, something sinister is hiding. I suppose it could be the sacrificed soul of the inner editor or perhaps it is a completely separate part of my personality. Regardless of what it is I know what it does. It makes me think that I can’t do this. It makes me look at the paragraph above and want to rip those accomplishments to shreds.
‘Yes, you wrote one book,’ it says, ‘but it was hideous and didn’t even have a villain or a plot.’ ‘You never finished that second book, so it doesn’t count at all’, it reminds me. ‘You don’t write everyday… You can’t even blog correctly and that’s only on a twice a week schedule.’ It continues and finishes with, ‘Your hands always hurt, you’re always playing stupid games on your computer, wasting time and pissing around on the internet. Come on, you know it, even if you don’t want to admit it.’
Then I was listening to the Storywonk podcast and it said something that took my breath away in terror. “You need to say it out loud every day,” Lani Diane Rich implored, “I am a Great Writer.” I tried to think the words and though I agreed with them, the words caught in my mind. “Say them out loud, even if there are people around you.” she continued. I looked around. I was alone in a stairwell. I attempted to say the words out loud and they got caught in my throat.
I told my husband about this and he laughed, at me I’m annoyed to say. “I’m a bad writer” he told me, “You are a great writer, if you could just accept the fact that you’re allowed to be good at something.”
It fit, though as they say the truth hurts. Also, I think it may not be writing that I’m afraid of, but I may be afraid that success will be forever beyond my grasp. Somehow hearing it from my husband helped to remind me that bravery (or is it stupidity) is my middle name. That means that even if I’m afraid I go on. I will say those words and I will say them every day if I must to convince that voice that I am a great writer.
And while I finish my book, and begin editing and working on writing the new book, I’m going to remind myself, that what sells more than anything else, is good writing. And I am a Great Writer.
Tags: Blog, fear, I am a great writer, motivation, SIWC, storywonk, Surrey International Writers Conference, Tendinitis, wrist pain, Writing
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