Snow White and the Seven Sparkly Vampires?!
Posted on Tuesday, June 8th, 2010Yesterday as my husband was driving me to work, I heard about the worst movie ever on the “ready to be produced” list… Apparently, unwilling to stop at ruining Alice in Wonderland for everyone, Tim Burton has said that one of the projects he’s looking at is the Disney Classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Apparently he wants to make some changes to it, and honestly, while changes to an old idea can revitalize it, the changes proposed turn my stomach.
Apparently the ‘honourable’ Tim Burton has decided that the problem with an old story like Snow White isn’t the pretty, stupid girl, the evil wicked stepmother or the prince once again stepping out to save a woman too dumb to know that she is a D-I-D (Damsel-In-Distress). It’s that there are no dragons in it (why is it always a dragon? Are Hollywood roads today filled with dirty men on the streets holding signs saying “Have Dragon, Will Travel”?) and that there are dwarfs. Let’s focus on that for a moment now, shall we? Tim Burton has no problem producing a kid’s show about Necrophilia, (Corpse Bride, anyone), but he does have a problem with Midgets?
Seriously though, Tim Burton has gone on record as saying he wants Burglars instead of Dwarves. Hmm, Men in black outfits doing impossible high rise dexterous moves… I going to go out on a limb here and suggest that what Tim Burton is thinking of isn’t a burglar. Not a burglar, you say? What else could be thinking of? Well, what other popular ‘criminal’ character type dresses in black, operates best in the darkness and has few qualms about other people’s property and doesn’t tend to hold society’s morals in high regard? Yep, I think you know what I’m talking about. Tim Burton wants to do “Snow White and the Seven Ninja”. I can only imagine that he used his rolodex of popular and over-used ideas to come up with this one.
And what exactly is the problem with dwarves anyway? It’s not like we’re taking about the Travelocity-type Garden Gnomes here. We’re talking about Tough as Nails Dwarves. Perhaps the two words just don’t fit together in his vocabulary. I mean, come on… edgy and dwarf? How could you even work with a ridiculous idea like that right?
I can only assume that Tim Burton has never heard of the Roleplaying game, Shadowrun.
For those of you who don’t know, Shadowrun is an edgy futuristic role-playing game set in the 2050’s and on. In it, Science has continued to advance and move forward at it’s current breakneck pace, but Magic also returned to the world, creating new magical problems as well. Magic isn’t the be all/end all, but neither is Science, leaving the two sitting snug while their respective proponents to growl that “mine is better than yours”. Humanity has branched off into 5 major races. Human, Elf, Dwarf, Orc and Troll. And trust me, the Dwarfs in this game are about as likely to sing and whistle while they work as any other New Yorker. What they are likely to do is to fill you full of holes if you call them “Little People”. Here is a Shadowrun dwarf.
Dwarf Street Sam
Does this scream “cuddle” to you? No. In fact, I see a shorter than average man, who’s honestly led a hard life dealing with constant racism and has finally had enough.
Personally, I’d take out the mining, perhaps making them a retired mercenary company living in the woods. It may be a cliché way to change it, but if they insist on making them battle a dragon, at least then it would explain why they know how to fight. On a final note to Mr. Burton before I put this topic aside… Johnny Depp may be a fine actor and wonderful at playing delightfully insane yet suave characters, but if I have to sit through an hour and a half of him playing Dopey, I will be severely disappointed.
On a secondary note, I came to a conclusion about the Twilight book series yesterday as well. My husband commented that Bella was a stalker… Having read the first two books (and not hearing anything different from fans of the other two), Bella does not have the traits of a stalker. Edward, on the other hand, does (what else can you say about the behavior of watching somebody from outside their bedroom window and then creeping in after they’re asleep and cuddling with them until a few minutes before they wake up, leaving the person to wake up to their alarm?). Bella, if I had to name her psychosis and obsession would probably be best fit by Stockholm Syndrome, which is a condition seen in terrorist situations, where the victim becomes emotionally attached to one of their tormentors. This feeling can lead to dependency on the object of their obsession and feelings similar to love.
I have to admit, I may not be a fan of Mrs. Meyers books, but she does know how to make her characters have a creepy, “2-Dimensional, psych-case” feel to them.
Tags: Bella, Dwarf, Edward, ShadowRun, Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Snow White and the Seven Samurai, Stalker, Stockholm Syndrome, Twilight
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