Dual Melodies – POV exercise
In trying to redesign the Dual Melodies storyline, I came across an idea that perhaps I needed to write this from a different point of view. Just to see how each would work, I wrote the same scene in the third person and first-person point of view. I thought I would post them up here just to see what you thought of them and which one you thought suited the story idea better.
First Person point of view
I fought the nightmarish creature in front of me, and my stomach lurched. It’s face was a deep grey and it caught my blade as I swung at its head. The blade went an inch or two into its desiccated flesh, but the creature didn’t look at though it was in any pain. I tried to pull my sword away from it, yanking hard. It opened its mouth and an unearthly sound; a half howl-half growl that made my skin crawl. I wanted to run in fear, flee its unnaturalness. I heard a grunt from Richard and took my eyes off the creature in front of me to see that he was falling back. His face was pale and for just an instant, I saw the glowing aura around him diminish, drowning against the dark void of the creature in front of him. Rapture had backed up against the wall and was drawing another arrow. They did little against these creatures, but she was useless with a sword. The only one who seemed to be reveling in the battle was Talia. She was so strong that even the undead couldn’t draw all of her strength.
My attention returned to my fight as the creature let go of my weapon and leapt at me. I was able to get my sword in the way, for all the good it did. The creature kept fighting moving impaling itself further on my blade. I heard Rapture shriek and turned in horror. Her bow was on the ground and she was climbing the rock, trying to reach a higher ledge. All thoughts were chased out until I felt a cold hand on me. A sudden chill went through me and I turned, smashing the creature in the face with my palm. It fell back a step or two and Talia put a sword through the one it, severing its spine. The creature fell, finally at rest. Talia glared at me and I took a breath to calm myself and stepped away from the battle. Fighting these things with a sword was not my way. I had a better weapon to use against them. I summoned my power and felt its warm glow fill me. My aura shone like a small sun in my vision. The undead paused, feeling a much larger force of energy. They turned hungrily towards me.
I flared my aura as I’d been taught to and the remaining three creatures paused in confusion at the sudden energy surrounding them. It only took a moment before they began tainting the energy around them. I could feel it being corrupted around them and then I felt sick myself, as though the taint was touching me directly through the energy fields. I strengthened the power, hoping to overwhelm them but all too quickly the taint started reaching out again.
“Kill them now.” My voice sounded harsher than I had every known it to and I knew that I could only hold it up for a few moments longer. Talia entered the light and her sword lopped off the heads of the creatures. The feeling of corruption ended the moment they fell. I collapsed to the ground breathing heavily, shivering with the remembered touch of their energy on mine. “That was something my teachers never told me.” I felt my stomach rebel and as I gagged on bile I wondered if they had left out the reaction because they hadn’t wanted to scare me or because they didn’t know. I wasn’t certain which worried me more.
Third Person point of view
Crystal at the creature in front of her, horrified. Her eyes understood what she was seeing but her mind seemed almost unable to comprehend. It was tall, dressed in the clothing of one of the condemned. He carried no weapon, but years of digging in the dirt with his hands had caused all the skin on his hands to tear off and sharpened the remaining bone. It was dark gray, it’s eyes nothing more than black pits. Still, a vile cunning gleamed out from those sockets. Crystal drew her weapon just in time to block an attack from the creature. She felt ill at the nearness of her orders ancient enemy, but didn’t allow herself to slow down. Richard grunted and she moved to cover his flank as he retreated to her. An arrow plunged itself into the creature in front of her. Crystal spared a quick glance to make sure Rapture was still safe. She had her back to the cave wall, but wasn’t presently threatened. Crystal gave a sigh of relief. Rapture was useless with a sword and only barely competent with the bow.
Richard seemed to take heart from her nearness and Crystal glared at Talia as she drove her sword into the creature again. Talia was an incredible fighter, but she fought by herself or not at all. The girl was death incarnate with a blade, but she only heeded herself and her opponents. Her friends safety was never a concern until after the battle was over for her. Crystal managed to cut off one of her opponents hands but the creature kept coming. She impaled it on her sword as the infuriated creature leapt for her. Richard cried out and Crystal spared a quick look. He was agitated and pale. She saw no injuries and she looked deeper. It took her eyes a brief moment to see past the physical to his soul life, the energy field that surrounded all creatures. His glowing aura diminished as she watched, tainted by the dark void of the creature in front of him. This was the first creature she had ever faced and she was surprised by how fast the taint started working. A high pitched scream erupted from behind her and Crystal turned. That was Rapture! she thought frantically, her eyes searching. Within a moment she found her trying to climb the wall out of their reach. She half turned, determined to save Rapture. Her sword didn’t come with her, still impaled on the human-shaped beast. Then she felt a hand colder than ice touch her. She pushed the sword away from her with all her might, the creature pushed back with it.
Weaponless, she thought, not good. Then Crystal saw Talia’s sword go through the creature, severing it’s spine. It took an additional step and then fell. Talia’s eyes were almost as cold as the creatures hand had been.
“You’re fighting it my way, not yours, priestess.” Her tone lacked any sympathy and Crystal nodded. She’d allowed herself to get distracted. She took a deep breath, summoning her power. The familiar warmth filled her and her aura almost blinded her. The creatures paused, sensing a feast where before there had only been table scraps. Turning hungrily, they came at her.
She waited until they were close and flared her aura. She strengthened the power, feeding it, trying to keep them distracted. The taint distracted her, as they suddenly fought back, as energetically as she was. She flared her power again and her voice was harsh as she snarled.
“Kill them now.” Talia’s sword cut through the head of one and severed the spine of a second. The corruption slowed and stopped as the creatures fell. Crystal collapsed to the ground and shivered, still feeling the corruption tainting her. Unable to control herself, she threw up, gagging on bile.
“Crystal, are you alright?” Rapture put her arms around her and Crystal murmured, “That was something my teachers never told me.” She wondered if they had thought it wouldn’t come up or if perhaps, they didn’t know. She wasn’t certain which possibility scared her more.
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Let me know which one you think is better by following this link to the comments section and leaving a response.